i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
