Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
