WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
