don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
