your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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