I need to stop coming to work sober
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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