Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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