the condom got lost in my hair
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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