I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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