she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
