Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
be right there i have to get my cape
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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