you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
