i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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