I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
