Sponge bath it is.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
