I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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