I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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