i would punch a child for taco bell
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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