I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Randomize
