I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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