Your face is a jimmy john
wakey wakey hands off snakey
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
