Acid is not a monday night drug
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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