Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
