I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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