I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
