i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
