Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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