You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
