I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
