I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
