WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
