this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
That reminds me...we need to get swords
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
there is glitter all over my balls
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize