i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
