just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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