I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
