i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
BRING THE BAGELS
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize