Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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