I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
