just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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