This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She bit a glass in half.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
