hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
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