I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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