The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
