I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
