I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
