you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
