I woke up to her vacumming the grass
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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