So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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