why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
