How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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