I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just had sex bonerless
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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