Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
