she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
