I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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