Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
