Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize