I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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