Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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