I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
