he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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