i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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