If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
