Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
