I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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